where am i from again
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
