i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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