I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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