I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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