i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
