I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
