I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
