I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
