I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
