the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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