i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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