i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
