I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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