I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
