I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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