No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is classic penis vs brain.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
