party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
