He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sober January is a disaster.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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