I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
