I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
