Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Two words: nipple clamps
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
