he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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