I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
