I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
