That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
