I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
