Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have post one night stand depression
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