I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
