I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
