morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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