dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
