Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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