He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
