ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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