i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
