Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
