I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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