I'm lost and stupid without you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
