Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
