my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
