How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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