The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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