All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
