need another drink. this is the easiest way
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
