Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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