What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
