1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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