Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
