she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
