I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
