i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
