i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
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What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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