Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
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Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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