You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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